Formals and debutante balls can become a huge deal towards the end of high school – the big party to end all parties, the be all and end all for the year.

And obviously, there’s something pretty lush about getting dressed up, dancing and, if you followed my school’s instructions: “acting like adults for the first time in your life”.

There’s a stack of tradition that go along with these type events and, like most mainstream traditions, there’s a LOT of pressure to act a certain way: very proper, very composed, very cis and very straight. The partners we take and the clothes we want to wear are strongly linked to our sexuality and our gender identity, so for us queers that can mean expressing ourselves in a way that makes us stand out or goes against tradition.

If you want to be out and queer at your school formal or debutante, here are some tips we’ve put together to make yours an awesome night.

Know your rights

Firstly: in Australia you have a right at government schools to not be discriminated against for your sexuality or gender.

That means being able to take a partner of any gender (when partners are allowed) and wearing clothes that fit your gender identity. If there is a public dress code, you’ll likely still need to abide by this, but when it is gendered (for instance "girls must wear dresses") you should in theory be able to abide by the dress code that best matches your gender identity.

Of course, it’s not always easy to champion your own identity at these sorts of events, especially if you’re not out. We know that just because legislation says something doesn’t mean that schools will always follow it – and it certainly doesn’t mean it automatically becomes safe for you.

Get support

If you’re not sure whether you should go queer at your formal, it helps to get support. This might be from a supportive teacher (like your wellbeing coordinator), your parents, or a friend at school. It’s not essential, but having an ally and someone to bounce off for support can make it a lot easier.

Help organise the event

Getting on the planning committee for the formal or deb is a great way to ensure it’s safe for all students. You can help ensure that the dress code is gender neutral, and you can include additional information on the invitation, like “partners of any gender are welcome at this event”.

Inclusive awards

Although they can be tricky because there'll always be people who miss out on them, many formals include an awards ceremony. If having awards is an important part of your event, you can help make sure the awards celebrate a range of people and encourage diversity.

Gender neutral awards like “cutest couple” instead of “formal queen” and “formal king” are more inclusive, and awards like “most fabulously dressed” encourage people to dress a bit different and break the mould which makes the dress styles more interesting.

Host a pre-party

It’s not always possible to get on the planning committee. So if you’re feeling a little nervous about going to the event, our favourite thing to do is plan a pre-party beforehand.

There’s more to the night than just sitting at a table and eating. Getting ready together with a group is half the fun, and helps you relax and feel comfortable beforehand. If you’re bringing a partner from another school, it also means they have time to meet your group beforehand too, which will make them feel more comfortable.

Try organise a table together, so that you’re always surrounded by people who support you.

You don’t have to go

Remember, you don’t have to go if you don’t feel safe or comfortable. Don’t get too caught up in the pressure of the event. It’s a nice evening, but it’s certainly not the be-all and end-all of high school experiences. There are stacks of formal style events in your future: milestone birthdays, weddings, dances and functions where you’ll likely feel safer to express yourself.

And besides: if you're in Melbourne, Sydney or Adelaide, Minus18 hosts an incredible Queer Formal once a year that's roughly 100 times better than any school formal going around – and it's ULTRA queer.

Check out this great video created at our 2020 Sydney Queer Formal!